In life and death // 7 (0)
I let myself once again enjoy the power of my Grandma´s unbelievably good cooking skills. They were just pancakes, sure, but Grams herself was humming an old melody and dancing to the rhythm, it was warm, I was okay. We were okay. The two of us. Of course, looking at this time of our lives, everything else was pretty messed up but this moment, this moment was perfect.
"Honey, are you okay? You seem so distant once again?"
"Yes, sure. These are really good, you know." I pointed at the pancakes.
"Well, I´m glad you like them. I tried to do it the way your mother did."
That was the first time we´d ever spoken about her after... After what´d happened. It hurt. It hurt badly. It felt as if the anger and sorrow was eating me alive, devouring me in it´s darkness. The sweet pancakes tasted kind of salty all of the sudden. I felt hot tears streaming down my pale cheeks. I covered my face with a napkin she´d given me and cried. Cried for a long time until I felt a warm and comforting hand stroking my hair.
"I know. It is not okay. It will never be."
I didn´t feel like answering. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to scream I wanted to go out there, throw myself in the rain and let it wash away all the misery that had gathered inside of my tiny soul that was already so fragile, willing to break into a thousand pieces every single second I was breathing. I was breathing poison. Everything here in the village felt toxic. The water, the air, the fire, the Earth.
But instead of doing something I was just crying like a child. I was a child if you look at my age but in my heart I felt as if I was older than the oldest man alive. I was ancient, full of wisdom that I didn´t know how to use back then.
I found myself laying on the sofa my head in Grandma´s lap. It was soothing and comforting to be there but it didn´t lessen the rage inside of me.
"Grandma?" I was surprised I´d been able to force my voice into a whisper.
"Yes, honey?" She gave me a warm smile indicating at that moment she was ready to answer what ever question I had in mind.
"Would you teach me to protect myself and you from the coyotes? The airfield and shield, you know..." I made myself as humble as I could be.
"You are so young to have to face the horrors of the world. Yes." I snapped out of my little trance and jumped on my feet.
"Well, yes I guess it is better if you´re able to do it yourself rather than have to wait to be rescued in case of-"
"You would?" I was stunned. I´d prepared myself for a strict "NO" but this was somebody entirely else speaking.
"Yes. I don´t want you to die." Okay, so now were speaking up, aren´t we. Well this was the right attitude but she was being so rough, so bitter.
"Okay then, I guess you are right."
"Of course I am."
Extreme times crave for extreme measurements. It was time for me to be an adult not a child.
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